Elise Hardov came into the office interview wearing six-inch heels, a pleather miniskirt, and a Bluetooth headset that wasn’t even turned on. When we asked her if she had any prior administrative experience, she said, “I once stapled my ex’s restraining order to a hoagie and mailed it to his mom.” Hired on the spot.
Her first day of training, she confused Microsoft Excel with “that British dude that sings about panic attacks.” She thought CSV files were “the football team with the horses.” By noon, she had emailed a nude to the entire building using the company newsletter template.
During a company-wide Zoom meeting, she asked the CEO if “synergy” meant doing molly and making out in the break room. It does now.
But Elise didn’t stop there. This girl turned quarterly reports into erotic fanfiction. She asked HR if “oral memos” counted toward productivity metrics. She found the copy room and ruined it. The paper jam wasn’t even the printer.
She’s been “reprimanded” 37 times. But somehow, her productivity is off the charts. The charts are just drawn in lipstick on the men’s room mirror.