Look, I've seen some things at corporate parties. I've watched a man in a Santa hat try to Venmo the DJ during a conga line. I've witnessed a VP do the worm directly into the shrimp display. But Sergei—Sergei did something that will echo through the ages.

The scene: A Moscow corporate holiday party. The vibe: Trying way too hard. The drinks: Liquid nitrogen cocktails, because nothing says "festive team building" like beverages that require a chemistry degree and safety training that nobody received.

Here's the thing about liquid nitrogen drinks: They're supposed to look cool, with that mystical fog rolling off the glass like you're sipping from a wizard's cauldron. What you're NOT supposed to do is immediately shotgun the thing while it's still actively boiling at negative 321 degrees Fahrenheit. The nitrogen needs to fully evaporate first. Sergei did not wait. Sergei had somewhere to be.

One moment he was toasting his department's quarterly performance. The next moment, he was being rushed to emergency surgery because his stomach had literally ruptured from the inside like a balloon filled with regret and cryogenic fluid.

THE AFTERMATH:

• Sergei survived (barely)
• The chef gave zero warnings
• The staff said nothing
• HR is now legally required to add "Do not consume beverages that smoke" to the employee handbook
• The party budget for next year has been reduced to "cake and non-exploding water"

Witnesses say Sergei saw the dramatic fog effect and thought "challenge accepted." The cocktail saw Sergei's esophagus and thought "absolutely not." His stomach saw the nitrogen and immediately filed for divorce.

The real tragedy? He was two sips away from the bonus announcement.

So the next time you're at a work event and someone hands you a drink that looks like it was prepared by a mad scientist, maybe ask a few questions first. Questions like: "Is this beverage actively capable of human organ damage?" and "Has anyone warned me that this could turn my insides into a science experiment?"

Sergei learned the hard way. You don't have to.

Source: News of the Weird - January 2026

Let me read this to you like a bedtime story of fiscal horror.

When our Regional Sales Director, who we'll call "Derek" because that's his actual name and he deserves to be publicly shamed, said he was "ordering a few things for the team," we assumed he meant pizza. Maybe some beers. Perhaps, at worst, a charcuterie board like a civilized degenerate.

We were not prepared for what arrived.

At 2:47 AM on a Tuesday—a TUESDAY, Derek—the Bellagio's room service department apparently received what can only be described as a ransom note disguised as a food order. Let's break it down:

THE APPETIZERS ($847)

• 12 orders of truffle fries @ $42 each
• 8 lobster cocktails "for the table" (there were 4 people in the room)
• Something called a "Caviar Flight" that Derek swears he "thought was a drink"

THE ENTREES ($2,340)

• 6 Wagyu ribeyes, because and I quote, "the first two were practice steaks"
• 4 whole lobsters, which Derek allegedly tried to name and race across the hotel room floor
• A "Chef's Tasting Menu for Two" ordered THREE times because, per the receipt notes, "we wanted to see if it would be different each time" (it was not)

THE BEVERAGES ($6,847)

This is where we need to have a serious conversation, Derek.

• 4 bottles of Dom Pérignon ($3,200)
• Something called a "Smoke Show" cocktail that apparently arrives inside a literal cloud ($340 for 4)
• 18 Red Bulls—Derek, you cannot mix Red Bull with Dom Pérignon, that's not a thing, that's a cry for help
• A bottle of Louis XIII cognac ($2,800) which our IT guy, Bradley, reportedly used "for the vibes" while losing $4,000 at online blackjack FROM THE HOTEL ROOM

THE DESSERTS ($1,890)

• 8 slices of their "24-Karat Gold Cake"—Derek, you cannot eat gold. You are not a pharaoh. You sell copier paper.
• A "Chocolate Experience" that required its own waiver to be signed
• 6 orders of ice cream that were, and I cannot stress this enough, ordered at 5:30 AM when everyone was allegedly "going to sleep soon"

THE MISCELLANEOUS ($2,363)

This is the section that broke me, personally.

• "Emergency pillow delivery" at 3 AM ($89)—WHY
• "Room fragrance refresh" because, per Derek's statement to HR, "it smelled like decisions in there"
• Four bathrobes listed as "accidental damage"—Derek maintains the lobster race "got out of hand"
• A $1,200 charge simply labeled "Piano"—we still don't have answers

THE AFTERMATH

Derek is no longer our Regional Sales Director. He's now our "Vice President of Revenue Optimization" because he somehow closed a $2.3 million deal during this exact evening with a client who was reportedly in the room "watching the lobster race."

We have updated our expense policy. The new limit is $75 per person per day. Derek's ghost-written response to this policy was: "That won't even cover the practice steaks."

He's right. And we hate him for it.

Well here we are, staring down the barrel of another New Year's Eve like it's a loaded gun pointed at our collective dignity. 2025 is finally crawling into a ditch to die and honestly, good riddance. This year grabbed me by the ankles, shook out my pockets, and left me upside down in an emotional Denny's parking lot wondering where it all went wrong.

Let's do the math. I started January with optimism, a gym membership, and a savings account that had actual savings in it. I ended December with three maxed-out credit cards, a body that now identifies as a bean bag chair, and a bookie who texts me "Happy Holidays" with a winky face because I basically paid for his kid's braces.

The betting was supposed to be fun. A little weekend entertainment. Maybe sprinkle some action on the NFL, dabble in NBA unders, treat myself to the occasional "this feels too easy" parlay that definitely was not easy and in fact was a bear trap wrapped in Christmas lights. I remember telling myself in March, "You can't lose five in a row, that's statistically impossible." I then proceeded to lose eleven in a row like I was speedrunning financial ruin.

My lowlight reel is impressive. I bet the over on a game that ended 3-0. I took the Broncos money line in primetime like a man who's never watched the Broncos play in primetime. I hammered a player prop for a guy who got scratched fifteen minutes before tip because he had "personal reasons," which I assume means he saw the line and laughed until he couldn't breathe.

But here's the thing. I'm not bitter. I'm not reformed. I'm not sitting here pretending I learned some valuable lesson about moderation and responsibility. Fuck that. I learned that the universe is chaotic, sportsbooks are smarter than me, and happiness is a fleeting dopamine spike between losing tickets. And that's okay.

2026 is coming, and I'll be right back at it. Same delusions, same spreadsheets that prove nothing, same "I've got a system now" energy that will crumble by Week 3. Because that's what this is. It's not about winning. It's about the beautiful, stupid, completely irrational belief that this time will be different. It won't be. But I'll be watching anyway, beer in hand, yelling at a screen like my voice matters.

Happy New Year, you beautiful degenerates. See you on the other side of midnight, broke and grinning.

At 6 in the morning the ring light woke up before the sun. By 6:05 a tripod stood guard over the mailbox like a mall cop with a dream. She emerged in a glitter tracksuit that could blind satellites and declared the driveway a production studio. A rented Lamborghini idled at the curb making the neighborhood smell like premium gasoline and tax write‑offs.

Take one was a dance. Take two was the same dance, now with “energy.” Take three required a leaf blower for “wind.” Take four featured a drone that hovered at eye level like a hummingbird with student loans. She yelled mark, action, slay, and the cul de sac legally changed its name to Studio B. A golden retriever became a background extra. The HOA president became craft services when he showed up with a muffin and immediately got handed a slate.

Brand deals multiplied. Protein gummies. Electrolyte vapor. Spiritual water in a can shaped like a guilt trip. She filmed a ten minute tutorial on how to drink coffee while winking at adversity. The caption promised to change lives. The comments promised she had already changed traffic patterns.

Neighbors adapted. We learned to parallel park around ring lights. We developed a sixth sense for when the drone would descend like a judgmental frisbee. We clapped between takes because the clapper yelled we are losing the light even though the sun was actively rising. Someone suggested we charge a location fee. Someone else suggested we unionize.

By sunset she posted the video. The thumbnail was a smile engineered by NASA. The clip lasted seven seconds and looked effortless, which is to say it required twelve hours, three wardrobe changes, and a cease and desist from a nearby shrub. She hit publish. The Lamborghini departed. The drone docked. Silence returned, the kind that hums with possibility and exhausted ring lights.

I scrolled the comments. Millions of views. Half the internet was in my driveway and none of them would help move the trash cans. Tomorrow she will rent a fog machine. Tomorrow the drone will get ideas. And I will drink coffee on the porch like a studio executive with no power, watching fame happen at the speed of short form video.

Dawn hit the cul de sac like a court summons. A leaf blower screamed the national anthem of petty. Porch lights flicked on one by one like jurors taking their seats. Out rolled my neighbor with a pressure washer the size of a grill and the confidence of a man who just seized a small country. He power rinsed his driveway. He power rinsed the curb. He considered power rinsing the moon.

Lines were drawn. Team Blower claimed tradition. Team Washer claimed progress. Team Boat asked everyone to respect maritime law while a twenty foot watercraft colonized the street. The HOA group chat burst into constitutional law cosplay. Quiet hours. Setback rules. The Geneva Convention for trash cans. I brewed coffee and delivered color commentary from behind a hedge like a budget Al Michaels with a vendetta.

By mid morning we held peace talks on my driveway. Folding chairs. Sunglasses. Snack mix with the raisins left in as intimidation. Terms were negotiated. Blowers after nine. Washers on Saturday only. Boat must stop pretending to be a coastal city. Anyone who starts a generator must bring donuts and a sincere apology to the neighborhood dog who runs public relations through barking.

We signed the treaty. The pressure washer king abdicated. The blower union retired to brunch. The boat moved eight inches and declared victory. Order returned the way it always does in suburbia. Not with harmony. With paperwork.

Tomorrow someone will mow at dawn. A sprinkler will turn the sidewalk into a slip and slide. The donuts will be stale again. And I will be ready with coffee, lawn chair, and the ancient wisdom of the HOA: civilization is a thin layer of rules over a volcano of noise.

Every season the hype machine fires up the confetti cannon and tells you this is the year. Then reality walks in with steel toe boots. The offense turns into a juggling act where the balls say INT and Fumble and the scoreboard says opponents 7 and Cowboys 0 before the anthem echo fades. It is a rodeo where the bull wins.

Dak is the CEO of almost. Almost big game brilliance. Almost championship poise. Almost the read he should make on second and seven when the safety is baiting the throw like a fisherman with fresh sardines. The numbers look clean until the moment matters, then the ball finds trouble like it has a loyalty program. You can set your watch to the timing. Prime time. Red zone. Cross body into a robber look. Gift wrap. Bow on top.

This is not bad luck. It is pattern. Drifts on the drop. Late on the trigger. Predetermined throws against rotation. When the pocket squeezes he plays hot potato with a defense that brought oven mitts. The offense becomes a motivational poster for the other sideline. Believe and you will receive because here comes the present.

The franchise sells hope by the quart. Every drive starts with swagger and ends with a punter who gets more cardio than the slot receiver. Flags pile up. Timing dies. A tip becomes a pick. A drive becomes a lecture. January arrives and the circus loads the truck again.

Call it what it is. A turnover rodeo with a star on the helmet and clown shoes at quarterback. You do not fix this with another billboard or another slogan. You fix it when the ball stops going to the team in the wrong color jerseys. Until then the script is the same. Big talk. Big stage. Big oops.

America asked for a contender. It got a content mill. Enjoy the highlights. The endings write themselves.

The last intern left at five. The janitor clocked out at six. By seven, it was just us and the hum of fluorescent lights that made the whole floor feel like a crime scene waiting to happen. The vending machine blinked “Exact Change Only,” the coffee pot hissed its last burnt sigh, and somewhere in the corner a copy of the employee handbook lay face down, ashamed of what was about to happen.

She leaned against the printer like it was a getaway car, and suddenly the entire office became a demolition derby. Chairs skidded, ceiling tiles trembled, and the copier decided this was the moment to jam itself into oblivion. Every motivational poster on the wall—TEAMWORK, INTEGRITY, SYNERGY—watched in silent horror as we tested the load-bearing limits of company-issued furniture.

This wasn’t romance. This was railwreck science. A full-body experiment in how much chaos one cubicle could survive. By the time it was over, the break room fridge was buzzing like it had witnessed war crimes, and someone’s abandoned Lean Cuisine was thawing in sympathy.

We didn’t clock out. We declared bankruptcy on office etiquette. If HR ever finds the security footage, they’ll have to file a whole new section in the handbook called “Unholy Union of Spreadsheets and Destruction.”

Consider it corporate culture, Balls Deep International style.

I came in friendly, I left legendary. House tried to flex on a timing call and suddenly the rulebook got heavier than a stack of greens on payday. So I did what any respectable degenerate statesman would do: delivered an attitude transfer maneuver. Calm voice, sharp facts, no extra spice, and the message got through.

The floor loves to talk consistency. I love to demonstrate it. If you call it dead at this table, you call it dead at every table. If you coach dice speed on a slow Tuesday, you coach it on a hot Friday when the rail is three deep. We’re not running improv; we’re running a game with money and memory.

No swearing contest, no Broadway meltdown. Just a cold audit in real time. I explained the standard, the precedent, and the fix. They didn’t pay the lay—fine. What stayed was the message. Next time the clock gets tight, the call will be clean, and the table will feel it.

Put it in the book under casino diplomacy. Respect given, respect returned, lesson logged. That’s domination without yelling.

You ever think you're about to live out some kind of tropical fantasy, and instead you wind up starring in a sitcom version of your life?

So I meet an absolute knockout in Thailand. Like out of a travel brochure. We’re laughing, vibing, doing the whole lost-in-translation thing. I’m thinking, this is it boys, I’ve unlocked the bonus level.

We head back to the hotel, and that’s where the plot twist hits me like a tuk-tuk doing fifty down a side street. Elevator ride feels like destiny. Door opens. We walk in. She kicks her shoes off, flops on the bed, and then asks, do you like cats?

I say, sure, I love cats. Next thing I know, a cat climbs out of her backpack like it just finished a red-eye from Bangkok. I’m not even mad. This cat owns the room now. It’s the main character.

Instead of a romantic night, I’m sitting cross-legged on a hotel bed at two in the morning feeding tuna to a Siamese while my date FaceTimes her cousin in perfect English and asks if I want to buy Bitcoin.

So yeah. Thailand, 1. Me, 0.

Meet Dorian Puddles, a man who believes in momentum. If the blackjack table runs hot, he runs hotter. If the cocktail waitress blinks twice, he decides it counts as fate. Last night he left the casino with the swagger of a newborn deer. He saluted a slot machine. He told a parking cone to keep its chin up. He also bumped that cone. Then a trash bin. The cone survived with dignity. The bin will need thoughts and prayers.

Dorian navigated home by talking to his GPS like it was a disappointed aunt. He whispered promises to change. He promised vegetables. He promised fewer selfies with roulette wheels. He parked with the precision of a toddler drawing a rectangle, which is to say he parked at an angle that insulted geometry and finally came to rest somewhere near his mailbox. He set an alarm for a time that never existed and face-planted into his pillow like a man who just married gravity.

Sunrise brought a doorbell that rang with the confidence of a judge’s gavel. Dorian awoke mid-snore and rolled off the bed with a noise that sounded like a raccoon falling down a laundry chute. He shuffled to the hallway wearing one sock and a bathrobe that had seen things. There stood two officers, polite and patient, like bouncers at a library.

Officer One asked if Dorian owned a car that looked like it had recently fought a recycling truck and lost on points. Officer Two held up a photo of a heroic traffic cone standing next to a very embarrassed trash bin. Dorian nodded with the slow wisdom of a garden statue. He said that his dreams had included a parade, several tubas, and a wheel that would not respect boundaries. The officers nodded back. They had also seen tubas in their time.

What followed was the gentlest wake-up of his life. Dorian blinked, found his dignity under the coffee table, and offered the officers a breakfast of cold fries and two ketchup packets. They declined with grace. He grabbed the nearest pair of shoes, which were not a match, and gave an apology to the room, to the cone in spirit, and to the trash bin in particular.

As he sat in the back of the cruiser, Dorian had a sudden burst of clarity. Luck is not a personality. Naps are not alibis. Cones remember. He vowed to treat tomorrow like a tight corner with mirrors and brakes. He also vowed to buy flowers for a sanitation crew. The city deserves romance.

Court will sort the rest. The cone will get its day. The bin will get closure. Dorian will get a lesson that smells like coffee and humility. For now he sleeps upright, mouth open, still trying to dream his way back to even.

Bartholomew Buttercup was a man of simple pleasures. He enjoyed the smell of old books, the quiet dignity of cardigans, and the precise categorization of medieval manuscripts. His life was a monument to beige. That is, until last Tuesday, when he accidentally fat-fingered his entire retirement fund into an eight-leg parlay on the Uzbekistan Under-19 Girls' Badminton National Championship.

He thought he was buying a rare, first-edition copy of “The History of Wicker.” Instead, thanks to a series of unfortunate pop-up ads and a misplaced decimal point, he now had $87,450 riding on a 17-year-old named Gulnara “The Hammer” Yusupova to not only win, but to do so with fewer than three shuttlecock stomps and a post-match handshake that lasted longer than 2.5 seconds.

Panic doesn’t begin to describe the noise that escaped Bartholomew’s throat. It was a sound usually reserved for discovering a raccoon has been living in your colon. He spent the next three hours frantically trying to find a working stream, finally landing on a grainy, pixelated feed that looked like it was being broadcast from a potato in a war zone. The commentary was entirely in Russian, occasionally interrupted by a man screaming about discount tractor parts.

For the next 90 minutes, Bartholomew Buttercup experienced a full-blown spiritual colonoscopy. He learned the rules of badminton through pure, uncut rectal clenching. He was screaming at his laptop. “WATCH THE DROP SHOT, SVETLANA, YOU COWARD!” he shrieked, as his cat stared at him, convinced its owner was having a stroke. The match was a seesaw of mediocrity, but leg by leg, the impossible parlay began to hit.

It all came down to the final leg: the handshake. Gulnara won. She approached the net, her face a mask of teenage indifference. Bartholomew was on his knees, sweating through his cardigan, whispering “Please, just hold on… just a little longer…” The handshake began. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. At 2.4 seconds, Svetlana tried to pull away, but Gulnara held on, perhaps noticing a piece of lint on her opponent’s uniform. At 2.8 seconds, they finally let go. Bartholomew had won $2.1 million. He didn’t celebrate. He just quietly vomited into his wastepaper basket, a changed man. He no longer cared about wicker. He was already researching the betting odds for the Kyrgyzstani Youth Archery Qualifiers. He was one of us now.

It’s that time of year again. The air is thick with humidity, desperation, and the smell of bullshit. Welcome to NFL training camp, the annual festival where every team is a Super Bowl contender, every rookie is the next Jerry Rice, and your bankroll is about to get lit on fire if you believe any of it.

Every single year, we get flooded with reports from some beat writer who’s been standing in 95-degree heat for six hours, watching guys in shorts run around cones. “He looks EXPLOSIVE!” they’ll tweet about some seventh-round running back who just broke a tackle against a guy who will be selling insurance in three weeks. This is the content equivalent of gas station dick pills. It promises power and performance but only delivers disappointment and a weird chemical aftertaste.

Let’s talk about the “Camp MVP.” It’s always a 5’9” slot receiver with “deceptive speed” who catches everything thrown his way in non-contact drills. Fantasy football “gurus” start whispering his name. The team’s social media posts a slow-mo clip of him making a one-handed grab. You, the degenerate, see this and think you’ve found the ultimate sleeper. You draft him in the 12th round. What happens? He gets two targets all season and spends the rest of the time returning kicks for an average of four yards. You got played.

This whole circus is a trap designed to prey on your optimism. Sportsbooks love training camp hype. They’ll happily post player props for preseason games, knowing you’ll slam the over on some quarterback who “finally mastered the offense” and is about to play one series before handing it over to a human turnover machine. Betting on preseason based on camp reports is like marrying someone based on their Tinder profile—the reality is going to be ugly, disappointing, and financially ruinous.

So before you empty your savings on a preseason parlay or waste a fantasy pick on a glorified practice squad hero, remember what training camp really is: a marketing campaign. It’s for selling season tickets to the gullible and jerseys to the clueless. It is not a reliable indicator of future success. Save your money, temper your expectations, and wait for the games that actually matter. Or don’t. We know you won’t.

Every year we go through the same tired ritual. The leaves change color, the media starts gargling Jerry Jones’ nuts, and the Dallas Cowboys are crowned the team to beat. Then January hits and they collapse with the structural integrity of a wet paper bag in a hurricane.

People ask why the Cowboys always lose in the playoffs. It’s the wrong question. You should be asking why anyone is surprised. This isn’t a football team. It’s a marketing firm that sells hope and disappointment as a subscription service. Jerry Jones isn’t a general manager, he’s a mummified crypt keeper who cares more about the stadium’s naming rights than he does about winning a divisional-round game.

The whole operation is built on a foundation of mediocrity. They pay Dak Prescott a king’s ransom to put up meaningless stats against the Giants in Week 4, only for him to shit his soul out onto the field when the lights get bright. The man plays quarterback like he’s trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube in a washing machine during the spin cycle. He’s got the playoff poise of a freshman giving a book report on a book he didn’t read.

And the penalties. My god, the penalties. The Cowboys collect yellow flags like they’re Pokémon cards. A holding call to kill a promising drive? Check. A boneheaded personal foul to give the opponent a free first down? You bet your ass. They play with the discipline of a frat house during spring break.

Stop calling them America’s Team. They’re America’s high-end timeshare. It looks great in the brochure, costs a fortune, and once a year you get to visit and realize it’s a fucking miserable dump. They aren’t a factory of sadness like the Browns. They’re a factory of blue balls. They get you right to the edge and then leave you crying in your overpriced jersey.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but betting the Colorado Rockies at home is like trying to do math drunk and upside down. One minute you’re up 4 to 1 and feeling invincible, next thing you know it’s the bottom of the 9th, your pitcher’s ERA is getting waterboarded, and your parlay is dying in front of you like a fish on a sidewalk.

Coors Field isn’t a baseball stadium. It’s a goddamn circus tent made of helium and broken dreams. Routine fly balls turn into intercontinental missiles. Grounders hop like they owe someone money. Nothing is safe. Everything is chaos. I watched a sac bunt turn into a two-run triple and started reevaluating every decision I’ve made since puberty.

And yet I did it again. Because of course I did. I saw that +150 home line and thought, “They’re due.” You know who else was due? Me, for a complete emotional collapse in the seventh inning.

I should’ve taken that bet money and eaten it. At least then I’d feel full. Instead, I watched the bullpen turn into a middle school improv group—no plan, no control, just chaos and people crying.

Moral of the story? Never bet the Rockies at Coors. Or do. I’m not your dad. But if you do, bring a helmet and a priest.

It was supposed to be a peaceful Tuesday. Randall Duckhull, still seething from his run-in with the SBA, decided to unwind at a massage parlor off the I-5 that looked like a cross between a nail salon and a Mortal Kombat arena. He walked in with tension in his shoulders and left with enough stories to power a Netflix docuseries.

Things got weird fast. The moment Randall laid down, he heard shouting from the next room. Not your standard Yelp-worthy customer complaint. We’re talking full-throated theatrics, rhythmic thumps, and the kind of dialogue you only hear through suspiciously thin drywall. Randall stared at the ceiling and tried to pretend he was listening to rain on a tin roof.

His masseuse entered. Her name was “Jessica,” but her name tag said “Kumiko.” Randall didn’t ask questions. She poured lavender oil on his back like she was basting a Thanksgiving turkey and whispered, “You’ve got knots in places I didn’t even know existed.” Randall responded, “You have no idea what the SBA’s done to me.”

Midway through the session, Randall tried to explain his business losses, but she just kept nodding and muttering “very bad” while digging her elbow into his kidney. Next door, Act II escalated into what sounded like furniture choreography and a motivational speech.

By the time it ended, Randall felt like he’d been part of a therapy session, a war crime, and a karaoke party at the same time. He walked out dripping in oil, confused, sore in new places, and spiritually reborn. “Best forty bucks I’ve ever spent,” he told the receptionist, who slid a banana across the counter and winked.

Duckhull may not have gotten justice from the SBA, but he definitely got his chakras realigned—one awkward noise at a time.

It finally happened. LeBron James, four-time MVP, all-time scoring leader, and part-time tequila investor, has officially enrolled in the NBA’s brand-new Senior Discount Program. He becomes the first player in league history to request a halftime applesauce break and get approved.

At 40, LeBron is still putting up stats that make rookies cry into their Gatorade. But the knees are crunchier. The warmups take longer. The headband is now just to hold in the ibuprofen. Sources close to the team say he recently mistook Rui Hachimura for his physical therapist and asked him to stretch his hamstrings.

The Lakers training staff has started keeping a recliner by the bench. The team plays classical music during timeouts just to calm his joints. LeBron’s locker now includes a heating pad, knee braces, and a commemorative plaque that reads “You’ve Outlived Every Other Draft Pick From 2003.”

When asked if retirement is on the table, LeBron shook his head slowly and said he’ll keep going until he can pass the ball to Bronny, then Bronny’s son, then maybe someone named Bronathan. He also said he’ll consider retiring once they bring back the short shorts and the two-handed set shot.

Coaches say his leadership is invaluable. Players say he smells like cocoa butter and wisdom. Fans still scream his name, although now it’s usually followed by a question like “How is he still playing?” and “Did he just ask the ref where he parked?”

For now, LeBron remains eternal. He might need a nap between quarters. He might bring reading glasses to film study. But he still sees the court better than anyone and dunks like arthritis is just a rumor. Father Time is undefeated, but LeBron is definitely running out the shot clock.

Randall Duckhull tried to keep his business alive during the worst economic collapse in modern history. What did the SBA give him? A nonstop barrage of copy-paste emails, mindless form rejections, and the same request for the same documents about 34 times. You’d think they were trying to recreate Groundhog Day, but with W2s and bank statements.

This man poured everything he had into staying afloat. Meanwhile, the fraudsters were thriving. Fake businesses, stolen identities, and scammers with burner phones got funded within days. But Randall? Nothing. Nada. Just stress, overdraft fees, and phone calls that led to some desk jockey watching Wheel of Fortune while pretending to give a shit.

Let’s talk incompetence. Randall once faxed his documents in the morning, uploaded them in the afternoon, and then emailed them again by dinnertime because each department claimed they never received them. You’d have better luck sending your paperwork by pigeon. Blind pigeon.

The whole process was a sick joke. The SBA spent more time “reviewing” than the IRS does on audit day. They killed real businesses with red tape while they handed out free money to anyone with an Instagram hustle. Randall lost his livelihood because a desk monkey couldn't figure out how to open a PDF.

So here’s your reminder. When they say they’re here to help, double check your wallet. Then call Randall and ask him what that help looked like. Spoiler alert, it looked a whole lot like getting kicked in the balls by a bureaucratic donkey.

Back in 2007, NBA referee Tim Donaghy got caught doing what most degenerates only dream about: fixing games from the inside. Not only was he reffing games, he was betting on them, tipping off his crew of cronies, and blowing that whistle like it was printing money. Forget integrity of the game. This guy turned his ref uniform into a casino loyalty card.

Donaghy worked nearly 800 games. Nobody batted an eye until the FBI showed up and asked why every game he reffed was hitting the over by halftime. He made up to $200,000 a year on bets while collecting a paycheck from the league. That’s like working security at a bank while robbing it blind every other Thursday.

When it all came crashing down, he served 15 months in prison. Then, like any good heel, he joined pro wrestling under the nickname “The Crooked Ref.” Absolute legend behavior. Degeneracy hall-of-fame stuff.

Now fast-forward to 2025. Watch an NFL game for 10 minutes. You'll see more flags than a UN summit. Holding on every drive. Phantom roughing the passer. Illegal contact because a defender had the nerve to breathe near a wideout. These aren’t penalties, they’re point spreads in action.

Call it speculation, but it smells familiar. Maybe Donaghy was the first to get caught, but he sure as hell won’t be the last. Especially now that sports betting is legal in more states than weed. You really think every ref out there is clean? When some of these zebras are tossing flags like confetti while smiling into the camera? Please.

You know you're a Cleveland Browns fan when your favorite part of the season is the draft — not because you trust the front office, but because it’s the last time you’ll feel hope before the annual 4–13 faceplant.

Let’s be honest, the Browns have built a legacy. Not of winning. Not of championships. But of stunning incompetence so impressive, it belongs in a Hall of Shame.

This team has never won a Super Bowl. Never. Like, not even once by accident. The Jaguars have existed for a shorter time and still feel more relevant. Hell, the Lions are looking down at Cleveland like, “Damn, y’all okay over there?”

Let’s talk about their branding. Their mascot is… a color. A freaking color. “Brown.” Who thought that was a good idea? Their helmet is literally just a brownish-orange blob. No logo, no flair, just pure depression wrapped in a chin strap. It looks like someone gave up halfway through designing a real football team and said, “Nah, this’ll do.”

The uniforms? Oh, baby. If UPS delivered sadness instead of packages, they’d be wearing these exact same jerseys. And those stripes? Are those supposed to intimidate someone, or are we just recycling Halloween decorations now?

But the real comedy starts in the front office. Every year, they make draft picks like they’ve been doing shots of Fireball since noon. Johnny Manziel? Classic. Baker Mayfield? A taller Johnny Manziel with more commercials. Deshaun Watson? Let’s just pretend that one never happened. The Browns are like a bad Tinder date — always promising, always disastrous, and you leave wondering how the hell you got there.

And the fans, bless them. They’ve endured it all. From 0–16 to the Helmet Fumble to whatever the hell that was last season. Half of them wear paper bags over their heads, and honestly, it’s an upgrade. You can’t be disappointed if you can’t see.

The most iconic moment in recent Browns history was when a fan screamed, “I’m tired of being 5–11!” on local TV, and it somehow became a rallying cry. That was like ten years ago. They've since upgraded to 7–10 mediocrity, but the spirit remains the same.

Look, Browns fans are some of the most loyal in the league, which is code for “deeply traumatized and refusing to give up.” And honestly? I respect that. I don’t understand it, but I respect it.

Cleveland, you deserve better. But until then, thank you for giving the rest of the NFL a punchline that never gets old.

Justin Tucker is known for a lot of things. The golden leg. The operatic voice. The clean-cut image that could sell minivans to monks. But today, our guy allegedly added a chapter to the offseason folklore that had Baltimore talking.

According to multiple bewildered spa patrons, Tucker walked into the Shady Orchid Massage Boutique like he was lining up a 65-yarder. He asked about recovery tools, discussed breath work, and politely requested a playlist that somehow included Barry White and his own opera recordings. Bold move.

Somewhere between the eucalyptus towels and the peppermint oil, the vibe reportedly went from “sports therapy” to “what is happening right now.” A startled therapist hustled past the aromatherapy diffusers. A manager made calls. Rumors multiplied like pigeons at a park.

Tucker emerged looking rejuvenated, signed a couple of confused autographs, and left with the poise of a man who just nailed one from midfield. When pressed, he allegedly smiled and said, “Greatness requires recovery.” The NFL declined to comment, but we assume a scented candle statement is in the mail.

The Boston Red Sox just committed organizational seppuku. Rafael Devers, their franchise cornerstone, their poster boy, their last real shot at relevance, is now a San Francisco Giant. And in return? A party-sized bag of Lay’s Original.

The Giants just finessed their way into a World Series. Devers is gonna hit 45 bombs with a smile on his face while Red Sox fans cry into their clam chowder and rewatch 2004 highlights like it’s therapy. This is theft on a level that should get Posey indicted in Massachusetts.

And don't even get me started on the Red Sox front office. They just sent an All-Star to the West Coast like they were mailing back an Amazon return. No prospects. No MLB talent. Just sodium and regret.

The Giants are winning it all. Devers is going yard nightly. Fenway is on suicide watch. Boston hasn’t seen a collapse this historic since the Tea Party got spicy.

Giants fans, pop champagne. Red Sox fans, check on your grandparents.

If Major League Baseball was a high school, the Oakland A’s would be that weird kid in the corner who smells like glue and keeps trying to trade Pokémon cards for vape hits.

This team has the competitive edge of a drunk turtle. The only thing more empty than their win column is their stadium, which now doubles as a wildlife sanctuary for feral cats and used syringes.

Management? Imagine a group of raccoons in suits arguing over expired hot dog coupons. Strategy? Close your eyes and throw darts at a lineup card taped to a urinal.

They just lost a game where the opposing pitcher was actively tweeting between innings. I’m not kidding. Their cleanup hitter went 0-for-4 with 3 whiffs and a foul tip into his own… pride.

The last time the A’s were relevant, people still used MapQuest. And now they’re relocating to Vegas? Great. Sin City finally gets something worse than herpes.

This franchise is the skidmark of baseball—persistent, disgusting, and somehow still clinging to the fabric of the league. Fold the team, salt the field, and build a Raising Cane’s.

Let’s not sugarcoat this. Game 7 arrived and the Oklahoma City Thunder looked like they brought a chess set to a bar fight. Indiana didn’t play “pretty basketball,” they played parking-lot basketball with receipts.

From the jump, Tyrese Haliburton ran the show like a con artist with a clipboard. Every pass was a hustle. Every three, a bill coming due. Jalen Williams tried to answer, but it felt like he was stuck on a laggy Wi‑Fi connection while the Pacers were running fiber.

Chet Holmgren boxed out like a haunted coat rack trying to survive a windy day, while Myles Turner treated second-chance points like coupons he was determined to use. Meanwhile, the Pacers bench was cackling like a true-crime podcast.

Thunder fans kept saying “we’re ahead of schedule.” Maybe. But the schedule doesn’t care. In the fourth quarter, Indiana turned the ball into a sledgehammer and the paint into a hardware aisle. That’s not analytics; that’s impact math.

Final verdict: not a basketball clinic, more like a public service announcement about what happens when swagger meets a team that brought steel-toed boots.