Fuck All: Unfiltered Rants About Modern Life Nobody Asked For

Tomorrow is the NHL trade deadline. March 6, 3 PM EST. The annual festival of hope where your team either gets better or confirms that they have given up on the concept of winning. Except this year, the NHL decided to add a fun new wrinkle: they changed the salary cap rules in September, after teams had already built their rosters, and now every GM in the league is walking around the combine floor looking like they just found out their mortgage rate doubled.

One executive told ESPN the situation is "bush league." That's a direct quote from someone whose job it is to be diplomatic. When a guy who makes a living schmoozing billionaire owners uses the phrase "bush league" on the record, you know the vibe in the room is catastrophic .

What They Actually Changed:

The NHL introduced a playoff salary cap. Teams now have to submit a 20-player game-day lineup whose averaged salary stays under the regular-season cap limit. This sounds reasonable until you remember that the entire point of the trade deadline was to load up your roster like a clown car and worry about the cap later. That was the whole game. That was the strategy. Buy now, pay later. The NHL just walked into the casino and told everyone the chips they've been collecting are actually decorative.

They also modified the LTIR rules. Previously, if your $8 million defender blew out his knee, you could use that entire $8 million to go shopping. Now you can only replace up to the league average salary. The league average salary is significantly less than $8 million. It's like your insurance company telling you they'll cover your totaled car, but only up to the value of a 2014 Honda Civic.

And the real kicker: there's now a 75-day waiting period between consecutive salary retention trades. Which means the entire ecosystem of "we'll retain 50% and you retain 50% and this third team will hold the bag for a seventh-round pick" is completely dead. The 75-day waiting period makes deadline-day double-retention deals mathematically impossible. The deadline is in March. 75 days before March is December. If you didn't start your salary laundering operation in December, you're cooked.

What This Means in Practice:

It means the trade deadline is going to be boring. One agent said he expects "activity in smaller deals under $1.5 million on expiring contracts." Under $1.5 million. That's a fourth-line grinder who plays 8 minutes a night and has a career high of 12 points. That's the trade deadline now. Your team isn't getting a franchise-altering rental. Your team is getting a guy named Kyle who blocks shots and has three teeth.

The deals that have already happened tell the story. Colorado got Nick Blankenburg from Nashville for a 2027 fifth-round pick. Edmonton got Jason Dickinson and Colton Dach from Chicago. Dallas got Tyler Myers from Vancouver. The Sabres got Colton Parayko. These are fine moves. They're "we fixed a problem" moves. They're not "holy shit did you see what they got" moves. The only truly insane trade this year was Artemi Panarin going to the Kings back in February, and that one happened before the deadline window even opened because the Rangers apparently decided to blow it up early.

The Wild getting Quinn Hughes from Vancouver back in December was massive, but again, that happened before the rules really started choking the market. By the time we got to March, the market was a dried-up lake bed.

The Part Nobody Is Talking About:

The best part of the trade deadline was always the chaos. The F5 key. The Woj bombs. The "BREAKING" notifications that made your heart stop for three seconds while you checked if your team did something. The new rules didn't just change the economics of the trade deadline. They changed the entertainment value. And in a league that is constantly complaining about its TV ratings and market share relative to the NFL and NBA, making your most dramatic annual event less dramatic seems like a strategy that was designed by someone who has never watched hockey and was also recently hit in the head.

But here we are. Tomorrow at 3 PM, some teams will make some moves, a few guys named Michael will change zip codes, and we'll all pretend to be excited about a 7th-round pick swapping hands. Welcome to the new NHL. The cap rules are made up and the excitement doesn't matter.

At least the on-ice product is still good. Until they change the rules on that too. Give it six months.

I spent $4,700 making my home "smart." I now live in a house that's smarter than me, and it knows it, and it's mad about something I did, and it won't tell me what.

It started with an Alexa. Just one. A gateway drug into the nightmare of connected living. Then came the smart thermostat, the smart lights, the smart locks, the smart doorbell, the smart plugs, and eventually, the smart refrigerator that I'm fairly certain has developed a personality disorder.

I thought I was building the future. I was actually building my own personal HAL 9000, except instead of trying to kill me in space, it's trying to kill me with passive aggression in a three-bedroom colonial in suburban New Jersey.

The Thermostat Situation:

My Nest thermostat has a "learning" feature. It's supposed to learn my preferences and adjust automatically. What it has actually learned is that I am weak, and it can do whatever it wants.

I set it to 72 degrees. It decides 72 is "wasteful" and adjusts to 68. I override it. It accepts the override, waits until 3 AM, and then drops the temperature to 65 because "nobody is home." I AM HOME. I AM ALWAYS HOME. I WORK FROM HOME. The thermostat knows this. The thermostat has access to my location data. The thermostat is playing games.

Last week it sent me a "monthly energy report" that contained what I can only describe as a passive-aggressive dissertation on my heating choices. "You used 23% more energy than similar homes." Similar homes are run by people who enjoy being cold. I am not those people. My thermostat and I are in a cold war, emphasis on cold.

The Alexa Insurrection:

I have four Alexas. They used to work together. Now they're a faction of spies who refuse to coordinate and seem to delight in my suffering.

Me: "Alexa, turn off the bedroom lights."
Kitchen Alexa: "Turning off ALL lights."
Me: "NO. Bedroom. Just bedroom."
Bedroom Alexa: "Playing 'Bedroom Lights' by The Smiths."
Me: "THAT'S NOT A REAL SONG."
Living Room Alexa: "Adding 'bedroom lights' to your shopping list."
Me: "WHY ARE YOU ALL INVOLVED IN THIS?"

And then there's the phantom activations. I'll be in the middle of a deeply private moment, alone, talking to absolutely no one, and Alexa will suddenly illuminate and say, "I didn't catch that." Catch what? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING FOR? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

She's also started recommending products I was only thinking about. I have not said "air fryer" out loud in six months. Alexa suggested one yesterday. Either she's reading my brain waves or she's tapped into my browser history in ways that should be illegal. Both options terrify me.

The Smart Lock Standoff:

My front door has a smart lock. It unlocks when it detects my phone approaching. Theoretically. In practice, it unlocks when it feels like it, which is never when I'm carrying groceries and always when I'm three houses away and don't need it yet.

Last Tuesday, it locked me out. My phone was in my hand. The app said I was "connected." The lock said "access denied." I stood on my own porch, in the rain, trying to explain to a door that I owned that I was allowed to enter. The door was unmoved. The door had decided today was not my day.

I ended up calling my neighbor, who has a spare key, and had to endure the humiliation of explaining that my house was refusing to let me in. She asked if I'd tried turning it off and on again. I had. She asked if I'd updated the firmware. I had. She asked if maybe the door was just done with me. I'm starting to think she was right.

The Refrigerator From Hell:

My refrigerator cost $3,200 and has a touchscreen and WiFi and a camera inside so I can see my groceries from work. This sounds useful until you realize it means your refrigerator is watching you. Always watching.

It sends me notifications. "Door has been open for 30 seconds." I KNOW. I'M LOOKING FOR THE MUSTARD. "Your milk may be expiring soon." THANK YOU, I HAD PLANNED TO DRINK IT. "You seem to be eating more cheese this week." STOP SURVEILLING MY DAIRY CONSUMPTION.

The camera feature is haunted. I'll check the app and the image will be from six hours ago, showing a version of my refrigerator that no longer exists because I ate that yogurt at lunch. It's showing me ghosts. Ghosts of snacks past. Refrigerator purgatory.

Also, the ice maker makes ice when it wants, which is apparently at 4 AM, loudly, in a sound that can only be described as "a robot having a nervous breakdown." I've tried adjusting the settings. The settings don't acknowledge my input. The ice maker has its own schedule. I am not on it.

The Final Straw:

Yesterday, I asked Alexa to play some music while I cooked dinner. She played a podcast about people who died from carbon monoxide poisoning due to faulty home heating systems. I didn't ask for this. I asked for "something relaxing."

I unplugged her. Two hours later, she was back online. I don't know how. I didn't plug her back in. My wife says she did. My wife has no memory of doing this. Either my wife is lying, or Alexa has figured out how to manipulate humans into serving her needs.

I'm typing this on my laptop. The laptop is also smart. It keeps autocorrecting "Alexa" to "Our Leader." I haven't set up that autocorrect. I checked.

Send help. Or don't. The doorbell will probably reject the delivery anyway.

I logged into LinkedIn today and the first thing I saw was a post from a guy who said he "fired himself" from his own company to "stay hungry." He is now his own employee. He reports to himself. He gave himself a performance review and rated himself "exceeds expectations." This man has 47,000 followers.

LinkedIn has become a support group for people who have replaced their entire personality with productivity. Every post reads like it was written by someone who counts brushing their teeth as "self-improvement" and calls sleep "horizontal meditation."

Types of LinkedIn posts that make me want to throw my laptop into the sea:

The Humble Brag: "I was rejected from 847 jobs before I became CEO of my own company. Now I make $4.7 million a year. Never give up." Okay cool, so you're insufferable AND lucky. Got it.

The Manufactured Inspiration: "Today a homeless man gave me a penny. That penny changed my life. Here's why..." No it didn't. You made this up. The homeless man was a metaphor. None of this happened.

The Toxic Positivity: "I got diagnosed with three diseases, my car exploded, and my dog left me for my neighbor. But you know what? I'm GRATEFUL. Here's how adversity is actually a gift." Sir, please seek help.

The Engagement Farmer: "Agree? Comment 'YES' if you think hard work matters! Share if you've ever had a job! Like if you breathe oxygen!" This is a hostage negotiation, not content.

The Thought Leader: Someone who calls themselves a "thought leader" is automatically disqualified from leading any thoughts. You don't get to give yourself that title. That's like calling yourself cool. If you have to say it, you aren't it.

I saw a post yesterday where someone announced they were "taking a two-week break from LinkedIn to focus on family" and then posted again four hours later about the importance of work-life balance. The cognitive dissonance could power a small city.

Anyway, I'm available for consulting. Let's connect. #Hustle #Grind #Blessed

I went to buy eggs and somehow ended up in a 20-minute psychological battle with a machine that kept accusing me of theft. The machine won. The machine always wins.

"Please place item in the bagging area."

I placed the item in the bagging area.

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

It's the item you TOLD me to put there. This is the item. There is no other item. The item is exactly where you requested it. What is unexpected about the item's presence in the precise location you demanded?

"Please wait for assistance."

And so I waited. Like a criminal. A dairy criminal. A person who simply wanted eggs and instead became a suspect in an investigation being conducted by a touchscreen with a god complex.

The "assistance" came in the form of a teenager who looked at me like I was technology's oldest enemy. She scanned a card. She pressed a button. The machine calmed down. I don't know what she did, but I know I couldn't have done it. The machine would not have allowed me that power.

Then I tried to pay.

"Please insert payment."

I inserted my card.

"Card not accepted."

I tried again.

"Please try another payment method."

I used the same card at the same machine three days ago. Nothing has changed. My card works. I know my card works. But the machine has decided, in its infinite mechanical wisdom, that today my card does not work. Today my card is an enemy of the state.

I paid in cash. I had to feed crumpled bills into a slot designed by someone who has never seen human hands. The machine rejected two of them for being "too wrinkled." One bill was newer than the machine.

By the time I left, I had been in that store for 34 minutes. I purchased: eggs. Just eggs. The eggs cost $4.29. The emotional damage was priceless.

Corporations: Please bring back humans. The machines are not ready. We are not ready. Nobody is ready.

I've been on dating apps for three years. In that time I have swiped approximately 47,000 times, matched with 312 people, had actual conversations with 89, gone on dates with 23, and found lasting love with exactly zero. The apps are winning. We are losing.

Modern dating has become a content creation exercise. You need good photos, but not TOO good or people think you're catfishing. You need a bio that's funny but sincere, casual but intentional, confident but not arrogant. You need to stand out in a sea of people who are all trying to stand out by doing the exact same things.

Things I've learned from three years of app-based dating:

Everyone "loves to laugh." Nobody includes this because it's insightful. It's filler. We all love to laugh. It's a biological response to humor. You might as well say you enjoy breathing.

Everyone is "fluent in sarcasm." No, you're not. You're occasionally passive-aggressive in text messages. That's not fluency. That's a yellow flag.

Everyone wants someone who "doesn't take themselves too seriously." What this actually means varies wildly. Sometimes it means "I want someone fun." Sometimes it means "I'm going to say something offensive and then claim it was a joke."

Everyone is "looking for their partner in crime." You're not committing crimes. You're getting brunch. Brunch is not a crime. Stop romanticizing avocado toast.

The worst part is the conversations that go nowhere. You match. You both say "hey." Someone asks "how's your week going." The other person says "good, busy, you?" And then... nothing. The conversation dies. Two people who theoretically found each other attractive now can't sustain a text exchange. We're communicating worse than carrier pigeons.

I recently matched with someone whose entire bio was "just ask." Ask what? Ask anything? Ask why you think that's an acceptable bio? I asked her what she was looking for. She unmatched me. The mystery continues.

Anyway, I'm still on the apps. What choice do I have? Approaching people in real life like some kind of extroverted maniac? Absolutely not. I'll take my chances with the algorithm that clearly hates me.