The podcast was called "Locks of the Week." The premise was simple: every week, I'd record myself giving my "lock" picks for the upcoming NFL games. The audience would bet on my picks. We'd all get rich together.
We did not get rich together. I went 23-24 in Season 1. Nobody got rich. Several people lost money. I lost friends. The podcast lost its way somewhere around episode 12 when I spent forty-five minutes explaining why the Jaguars were "due."
The Jaguars were not due. They lost by 17.
The Statistics
Locks of the Week: By The Numbers
Total Episodes: 47
Average Listeners: 23 (12 of whom were bots)
Peak Listeners: 89 (Episode 31, when I had a meltdown on air)
Total Downloads: 1,247
Spotify Rating: 2.3 stars
iTunes Rating: Not enough reviews to generate a rating
Friends at start: 11
Friends at end: 3 (and one of them is my mom)
Season 1 Record: 23-24 (-4.2 units)
Money Lost by Listeners: Unknown (they stopped telling me)
How I Lost Each Friend
Let me walk you through the casualties.
Friend #1: Dave
Dave was my co-host for episodes 1-7. He quit after I yelled at him on air for questioning my Chargers pick. I said, and I quote, "Dave, when you've studied as many injury reports as I have, you can have an opinion." The Chargers lost. Dave hasn't spoken to me since. I still think I was right about the process.
Friend #2: Marcus
Marcus tailed my picks for the first four weeks. He was down $800 by Week 5. He sent me a Venmo request for $800 with the note "you owe me this." I sent him back $0.01 with the note "that's your edge now." He blocked me on all platforms.
Friend #3: Sarah
Sarah was my girlfriend at the time. She appeared on Episode 15 as a "special guest." I asked her opinion on the Raiders game. She said she didn't care about football. I said, "That's why you don't understand value." She moved out that weekend. Looking back, there may have been other factors.
Friends #4-7: The Group Chat
I started promoting the podcast in our fantasy football group chat. I promoted it a lot. I promoted it every day. I promoted it with clip links. I promoted it with soundbites. I promoted it with desperate pleas for reviews. They created a new group chat without me. I found out when someone accidentally sent a message to the old chat saying "don't let him know about the new chat."
Friend #8: My Cousin Tony
Tony was supportive at first. He left a 5-star review that said "My cousin made this. It's fine." Then I featured his review on the podcast and said it was "proof the show was gaining momentum." He asked me to remove the review. I refused. We no longer speak at family events.
The Content
Looking back, the content was... not great. Here are some actual episode titles:
- Episode 8: "Why I'm Doubling Down on the Broncos (Ignore Last Week)"
- Episode 14: "My Ex Blocked Me But These Picks Won't Block Your Profits"
- Episode 23: "I Lost My Rent Money But Found Myself"
- Episode 31: "LIVE REACTION: The Bills Just Cost Me Everything" (this was the meltdown episode)
- Episode 38: "Everyone Who Unfollowed Me Is Going to Regret It"
- Episode 42: "Apologies to Marcus, Dave, Sarah, and My Landlord"
The Meltdown (Episode 31)
I should explain Episode 31. The Bills were my lock of the week. I had bet heavily on them. I was recording the podcast live while watching the game. This was my first mistake.
When Josh Allen threw a pick-six in the fourth quarter to lose the game, I... reacted. The audio is still up if you want to hear a grown man question the meaning of existence in real-time. It's 47 minutes long. The game-relevant breakdown is 12 minutes. The other 35 minutes are me talking to myself about whether anything matters.
"Josh Allen isn't just a quarterback. He's a metaphor. He's a metaphor for every promise that's ever been broken. Every hope that's ever been crushed. Every..." - Me, Episode 31, timestamp 34:17
That episode got 89 downloads. My highest ever. Tragedy sells.
The Equipment
I spent $2,400 on podcasting equipment. This includes:
- A Shure SM7B microphone ($400)
- A Rodecaster Pro II ($700)
- Acoustic foam panels ($200)
- A pop filter I never properly attached ($25)
- Headphones ($300)
- A boom arm ($100)
- Lighting that made me look worse ($175)
- A subscription to editing software I never learned to use ($500/year)
My total podcast revenue to date: $0.00.
My Spotify payouts: Not enough to trigger a payout (minimum $10).
The End
I ended the podcast after Episode 47. The final episode was called "Thank You and I'm Sorry." It was 8 minutes long. It got 7 downloads. Three of them were me, checking if it uploaded correctly.
I still have all the equipment. It sits in my closet as a monument to hubris. Sometimes I look at it and think about starting a new podcast. Then I remember that I have no friends left to alienate, and I close the closet door.
Lessons Learned
1. Don't start a podcast about your gambling picks unless you win.
2. Don't yell at your co-host on air.
3. Don't make your girlfriend appear on your gambling podcast.
4. Don't promote your podcast in every group chat you're in.
5. Don't record live during games you have money on.
6. Don't spend $2,400 on equipment for a podcast nobody listens to.
7. Don't do any of this.
I'm thinking about starting a new podcast. It'll be different this time. It'll be called "Locks of the Week: Redemption Arc." I've already ordered new acoustic panels.
Nobody has agreed to co-host yet.
I'm sure it'll be fine.