Version 47.3 | Last Updated: After The Incident | Effective Until Someone Sues
Congratulations on your employment at Balls Deep International. By reading this handbook, you acknowledge that you have made a series of life choices that led you here. We don't judge. We can't afford to.
This handbook supersedes all previous versions, verbal agreements, pinky promises, and whatever Karen from Accounting told you in the elevator. If there's a conflict between this document and common sense, this document wins.
Official working hours are 9 AM to 5 PM. However, we define "working" loosely and "hours" even more loosely. If you're physically present and not actively on fire, you're probably fine.
Arriving late is acceptable under the following conditions:
Acceptable excuses include: actual illness, "mental health day" (limit 47 per year), hangover (categorized as "food poisoning"), existential dread, and "I just can't today." Unacceptable excuses include: "I forgot I work here."
Business casual is required Monday through Thursday. This means:
Casual Friday: Anything goes except nudity and political statements. We've had issues with both.
Conference Room B has been officially designated as the Crying Room. It exists because we acknowledge that sometimes work is hard, life is harder, and the vending machine ate your last dollar.
The break room refrigerator is cleaned every Friday at 4 PM. Anything left inside becomes company property and will be judged harshly. If your lunch has developed sentience, it's your responsibility to negotiate its surrender.
BANNED ITEMS: Fish of any kind, durian, anything that "smells fine to me," and Gary's "experimental smoothies."
After The Incident of 2024, the following items may not be microwaved:
Using "Reply All" incorrectly is a terminable offense. Three violations and you're reassigned to the Siberian branch office (yes, it exists, no, you don't want to know why).
CC'ing someone's manager to make a point is allowed but discouraged. If you CC more than three managers, it becomes a "management situation" and we're legally required to schedule a four-hour meeting about it.
Inspirational quotes in email signatures are limited to one (1) sentence. Bible verses, song lyrics, and anything from "The Art of War" require pre-approval from HR.
Before scheduling a meeting, you must complete Form 27-B: "Why This Couldn't Have Been An Email." If your answer is "synergy," your meeting is automatically declined.
All meetings must end five minutes early to allow for "transition time," which is corporate speak for "bathroom breaks and quiet screaming."
Standing meetings are encouraged to keep things brief. Sitting is a privilege earned by having an actual agenda.
Romantic relationships between employees are not prohibited but must be disclosed to HR within 30 days. HR will then create an awkward file about you that nobody wants to read but everyone will.
Relationships that end badly require a "Post-Relationship Workplace Coexistence Plan" to be filed. Templates are available. There are many templates. We have needed many templates.
Note: The supply closet has cameras now. Don't ask why. Just know.
Alcohol consumption during work hours is prohibited except during:
Legitimate business expenses include travel, meals with clients, and office supplies. Illegitimate expenses include "emotional support purchases," "revenge shopping," and anything from the mini bar.
Any single expense over $47,000 requires board approval. This number was chosen after The Ice Sculpture Incident (see: Noelle Sterling, December Employee of the Month). It melted. The budget didn't.
Employment at BDI is at-will, meaning we can fire you and you can quit, both for any reason except the illegal ones. Reasons for immediate termination include:
Severance packages are negotiable based on:
This handbook is provided for informational and entertainment purposes only. By reading this, you waive your right to sue based on anything contained herein. If you didn't read it, that's also on you. BDI reserves the right to change any policy at any time for any reason, including but not limited to: whims, lunar phases, shareholder pressure, and "because we felt like it."
If any provision of this handbook is found to be unenforceable, we'll just pretend it never existed. Like Dave from Accounting. We don't talk about Dave from Accounting.
For questions, concerns, or existential crises, please contact HR. Response times vary based on how much they like you.