CAREER OPPORTUNITIES
Join the chaos. We offer competitive salaries, unlimited PTO*, and stories you can never tell your parents.
NOW HIRING: 31 OPEN POSITIONS
*Unlimited PTO subject to manager approval, workload requirements, and whether Mercury is in retrograde. See employee handbook section 2.3.
We're looking for a visionary leader to own our synergy strategy end-to-end. You'll be responsible for identifying synergies, creating synergies, measuring synergies, and explaining to the board what synergies actually are because frankly we've been using the word for years and no one's entirely sure.
Responsibilities:
- Develop and execute our 5-year synergy roadmap
- Build cross-functional synergy teams (without defining what that means)
- Present synergy metrics at quarterly board meetings (metrics to be invented by you)
- Nod thoughtfully when the CEO uses buzzwords you don't recognize
- Attend all ping pong table discussions as neutral mediator
Requirements:
- 10+ years of experience in something (we're flexible on what)
- MBA preferred, but will accept "School of Hard Knocks" with documentation
- Fluent in corporate buzzwords (PowerPoint, Synergy, Pivot, Circle-Back)
- Must pass vibe check (administered by CEO's nephew)
Salary: $175,000 - $240,000 base + 40% synergy bonus (undefined)
Note: Last three CSOs lasted an average of 4.2 months. We're hoping you can beat that.
We've realized our most productive employees spend 70% of their time in meetings. Rather than reduce meetings—which would be admitting we have a problem—we're creating a dedicated role for meeting attendance. You will attend meetings so others don't have to.
Responsibilities:
- Attend 8-12 meetings daily across all departments
- Nod at appropriate intervals (training provided)
- Ask one thoughtful question per meeting ("Can you go back a slide?" counts)
- Never, under any circumstances, ask "Could this have been an email?"
Requirements:
- Exceptional sitting endurance (8+ hours consecutive)
- Mastery of the "thoughtful nod" and "concerned brow furrow"
- No strong opinions about anything (opinions extend meetings)
- Bladder of steel or willingness to miss key discussions
Salary: $85,000 base + $5 per meeting attended (uncapped)
The thermostat wars are over. Now we need someone to enforce the peace. You will be stationed near the thermostat at all times during business hours to ensure it remains at exactly 68 degrees. This is a security position with climate responsibilities.
Responsibilities:
- Stand within 10 feet of the thermostat from 8 AM to 6 PM
- Verify temperature is 68 degrees every 30 minutes (log required)
- Intercept employees approaching the thermostat with polite but firm redirection
- Report directly to CEO on matters of climate non-compliance
Requirements:
- Ability to stand for extended periods (chair prohibited per CEO directive)
- Comfort with confrontation ("Please step away from the thermostat" must sound authoritative)
- No personal temperature preferences (you must be neutral)
Salary: $45,000 annually (non-negotiable, like the temperature)
Our Crying Room™ has become so popular that we need dedicated staff to manage bookings, maintain tissue supplies, and ensure smooth emotional transitions between employees. This is a sensitive role requiring both logistical skills and emotional intelligence.
Responsibilities:
- Manage Crying Room™ reservation system (24-hour advance booking required)
- Ensure adequate tissue supply (current burn rate: 4 boxes per day)
- Start the 15-minute timer and play gentle chimes when sessions end
- Coordinate with HR on any cries that exceed "Level 2" intensity
Requirements:
- Warm but professional demeanor (comforting without being intrusive)
- Ability to say "Your session is ending" without sounding heartless
- Must not cry on the job (separate arrangements can be made)
Salary: $28/hour, 20 hours per week (peak crying hours: Monday 9-11 AM, Friday 3-5 PM)
Our CEO has thoughts. Many thoughts. These thoughts need somewhere to go. You will be that somewhere. Your role is to listen to the CEO's frustrations, grievances, and creative visions, providing a sympathetic ear without offering solutions (solutions extend conversations).
Responsibilities:
- Attend daily 7 AM "alignment sessions" with the CEO
- Listen to complaints about board members, competitors, and "the direction things are going"
- Nod supportively during TED Talk practice sessions
- React appropriately to stories you've heard 47 times before
Requirements:
- Exceptional listening skills (actual listening, not just waiting to speak)
- Patience that borders on supernatural
- Ability to express surprise at the same anecdote repeatedly
- No personal opinions about ping pong table placement
Salary: $110,000 base + "special project bonuses" at CEO's discretion
Note: This role is not on the official org chart. Your business card will say "Special Advisor."
Things happen at this company. Things that require apologies. You will craft, deliver, and sometimes personally embody those apologies. This is a high-volume role—we're not going to pretend otherwise.
Responsibilities:
- Write apology emails for incidents (incidents vary widely in severity and absurdity)
- Deliver in-person apologies when email won't suffice
- Maintain library of pre-written apologies for common scenarios
- Send flowers, gift baskets, and company fleeces as relationship repair tools
Requirements:
- Writing skills that convey remorse without legal liability
- Ability to apologize for things you personally did not do
- Comfort with vague language ("We regret any inconvenience caused")
- Experience with impossible situations ("How do we apologize for the goat?")
Salary: $88,000 base + $100 per apology (volume varies by moon phase)
Following our feng shui consultant's departure, we need someone to manage the office "energy." This is not a metaphor. You will literally walk around assessing vibes and reporting back. If the vibes are off, you will fix them. How? That's for you to figure out.
Responsibilities:
- Conduct daily "vibe walks" through all office areas
- Identify zones of "bad energy" and implement remediation strategies
- Manage the office plant collection (47 plants, 12 currently deceased)
- Maintain the meditation garden (see: where the ping pong table used to be)
Requirements:
- Certification in vibe assessment (or willingness to self-certify)
- Ability to say "the energy in here is off" with a straight face
- No prior relationship with Harold the feng shui consultant
- Must not recommend moving the CEO's desk under any circumstances
Salary: $72,000 base + $10,000 vibe bonus (if vibes are good at year end)
We're looking for someone to manage the overall "vibe" of the company. This is a real job. We're serious. The last CVO left after "creative differences" with reality.
Responsibilities:
- Assess and optimize daily vibes across all departments
- Issue "vibe checks" during all-hands meetings
- Maintain a Vibe Dashboard (we'll build one, probably)
- Intervene when vibes become "off" or "sus"
- Report directly to CEO on vibe-related matters
Requirements:
- 10+ years of vibe experience
- Ability to sense a room's energy within 3 seconds
- Must own at least one crystal (non-negotiable)
- References from two (2) previous vibes
- Clean criminal record preferred but not required
Salary: $175,000 - $225,000 + vibe bonuses
Note: Last three CVOs lasted an average of 4.2 months. We're hoping you can beat that.
We need someone to help leadership maintain strategic ignorance of certain operational decisions. This is not a legal position. Our lawyers were very clear about that.
Responsibilities:
- Craft official statements that say nothing while sounding professional
- Manage the "I don't recall" training program for executives
- Maintain documentation that proves nobody knew anything
- Coordinate with Legal on what we're "not aware of"
- Attend meetings, remember nothing, take no notes
Requirements:
- Exceptional poker face
- Ability to forget on command
- Experience with "parallel construction"
- Must pass a polygraph about whether you know what this job really is (you don't)
- Discretion. So much discretion.
Salary: $140,000 - $180,000 + hazard pay + NDA signing bonus
Fast-paced opportunity for someone who's comfortable taking blame for things they didn't do. High turnover means rapid advancement opportunities!
Responsibilities:
- Be present when things go wrong
- Accept responsibility for decisions made above your pay grade
- Attend meetings where your name will be mentioned disapprovingly
- Maintain a professional demeanor while being thrown under the bus
- Exit gracefully when the time comes (you'll know when)
Requirements:
- Bachelor's degree from an accredited institution
- 0-2 years of experience (we prefer fresh faces, harder to trace)
- Thick skin
- Willingness to sign comprehensive NDAs
- Must have no social media presence or be willing to delete it
Salary: $55,000 - $65,000 + generous severance package (you'll need it)
This position has 100% advancement rate! (To the exit)
Our meeting scheduler has too many meetings to schedule meetings. We need someone to schedule meetings about scheduling meetings. This is not a joke.
Responsibilities:
- Schedule pre-meetings for meetings
- Coordinate post-meeting follow-up meetings
- Manage the meeting about meeting efficiency
- Maintain the Meeting Calendar Calendar
- Attend mandatory meetings about meeting policy
Requirements:
- Expertise in Outlook Calendar (advanced level)
- Ability to schedule meetings while in meetings
- Experience with calendar Tetris
- Strong passive-aggressive calendar invite skills
- Must enjoy meetings (or be very good at pretending)
Salary: $70,000 - $85,000 + calendar software of choice
Exciting leadership opportunity at our remote branch office! Managing a small but dedicated team in a unique environment. Previous manager was "promoted" unexpectedly.
Responsibilities:
- Oversee daily operations of the Siberian office (it's real, we promise)
- Manage a team of 3-7 employees (number varies, don't ask)
- Maintain communication with HQ (when satellite permits)
- Handle all local HR matters (there is no local HR)
- Keep the generator running
Requirements:
- Fluency in Russian (or willingness to learn VERY quickly)
- Cold weather tolerance (extreme)
- Experience with isolation
- No close family ties preferred
- Ability to work independently (so independently)
Salary: $200,000 + housing + survival gear + "hardship" bonus
Note: This is a permanent relocation. Return flights are... complicated.
Dedicated professional needed to intercept and prevent catastrophic Reply-All emails before they reach all 4,000+ employees. This role was created after The Incident of 2024.
Responsibilities:
- Monitor outgoing emails for Reply-All abuse
- Intercept personal drama before it goes company-wide
- Counsel repeat offenders on proper email etiquette
- Maintain the Reply-All Shame List
- Provide real-time intervention during high-stakes email threads
Requirements:
- Lightning-fast reflexes
- Deep understanding of email client architecture
- Ability to read 200+ emails per minute
- Crisis management experience
- Must have witnessed at least one career-ending Reply-All
Salary: $95,000 - $120,000 + stress pay + therapy stipend
We're looking for someone to plan company events that will become legends. Previous coordinator, Noelle Sterling, was promoted to an undisclosed position. Big shoes to fill. Possibly too big.
Responsibilities:
- Plan holiday parties that require post-event legal review
- Coordinate team building events that "build character"
- Manage relationships with vendors who no longer take our calls
- Maintain plausible deniability about ice sculpture budgets
- Handle aftermath (there's always aftermath)
Requirements:
- 5+ years of event planning experience
- Existing relationships with lawyers (helpful)
- High tolerance for controlled chaos
- Ability to keep secrets
- Must sign extensive liability waivers
Salary: $90,000 - $130,000 + unlimited event budget (within reason) (reason is flexible)