My grandmother is 84 years old. She survived the Great Depression. She raised five children. She has seen things. But she had never seen a grown man scream "COVER THE SPREAD YOU USELESS PIECES OF-" at her Thanksgiving dinner table.
Until Thanksgiving 2025.
The Setup
Look, I had what I thought was a reasonable plan: show up to Thanksgiving, eat some turkey, check my phone occasionally, leave richer than I arrived. Simple.
What I actually did was turn my grandmother's 32-inch Zenith TV from the Macy's parade to NFL RedZone without asking anyone, proceed to ignore every family member for four hours, and eventually flip the coffee table when the Cowboys failed to cover against the Giants.
My Thanksgiving Action (What Was At Stake):
- Cowboys -4.5: $500
- Bears ML: $300
- Lions/Packers Over 47: $400
- Same Game Parlay involving Dak Prescott's rushing yards: $200
- A prop bet on how many times Tony Romo would say "here's a guy": $50
Total at risk: $1,450
Family relationships at risk: All of them
The Crimes I Committed (In Order)
Crime #1: The TV Takeover
Grandma had the parade on. The floats were floating. Santa was coming. I said "Let me just check something real quick" and put on RedZone. It was not quick. I watched RedZone for three and a half hours while the turkey got cold.
Crime #2: The Cousin Incident
My 7-year-old cousin asked me what I was watching. I said, and I quote: "Uncle Joey is watching grown men destroy his financial future in real-time, sweetie." My sister has not let this go.
Crime #3: The Grace Situation
My uncle was saying grace. The Cowboys were in the red zone. I said "Hold on, hold on, hold on" and paused him mid-prayer to watch the play. It was an incomplete pass. I gestured for him to continue. He did not continue. He sat in silence for thirty seconds. Then everyone ate in silence for thirty minutes.
Crime #4: The Table Flip
With 2:14 left in the fourth quarter, the Cowboys were up by 3. I needed them to win by 5. The Giants kicked a field goal to tie it. Then the Cowboys fumbled. Then I flipped the coffee table. The cranberry sauce went everywhere. It looked like a crime scene. My grandmother screamed.
The Aftermath
The group chat the next day was brutal.
"I don't think [my name] should come to Christmas." - My mom, in the family chat
"Agreed." - My dad, my sister, my brother, my aunt, my uncle, and my grandmother (who my sister taught to text specifically for this occasion)
The Cowboys lost in overtime. I lost $1,450. I also lost my standing invitation to family holidays. My grandmother still won't look at me. She calls me "the one who ruined the table" when talking to other family members.
Was It Worth It?
Absolutely not. But here's the thing: the Bears covered. The over hit. I was up on the day until the Cowboys game. If Dak had just handed the ball off instead of trying to be a hero, I would have walked out of there up $800 and my grandmother would still love me.
That's not how it went. Instead, I'm spending Christmas alone this year, probably watching football and definitely making more bets I'll regret.
My therapist says I have "unhealthy coping mechanisms" and "need to examine why I prioritize gambling over human connection." I told her the Cowboys were getting 4.5 points and that was basically free money. She asked if I wanted to increase our sessions to twice a week.
Lessons Learned
If you're going to ruin a family holiday with sports betting, at least:
1. Don't flip furniture. It's hard to apologize for.
2. Don't interrupt grace. God doesn't like it and neither does your uncle.
3. Maybe just don't go to family events during football season.
4. Or go, but leave your phone in the car. And your emotions.
I'll be spending Christmas 2026 alone with a bucket of KFC and an 8-leg parlay. It's what I deserve.
Happy holidays.