When Margaret Hendricks finally logged into her retirement account for the first time in six years, she expected to see a boring mix of index funds and bonds. Instead, she discovered her entire $340,000 balance had been converted into something called the "Nostalgic Collectibles Aggressive Growth Fund." The fund's sole holding? Beanie Babies.
"I thought I checked a box for 'moderate risk,'" Margaret told reporters, clutching a Princess Diana memorial bear worth approximately $7.50. "I was supposed to retire in three years. Now I'm the proud owner of 47,000 stuffed animals stored in a warehouse in Scranton."
The company's benefits administrator, Gerald "Numbers" Thompson, defended the allocation. "In 2019, our proprietary algorithm identified Beanie Babies as a severely undervalued asset class. We projected a 4,000% return by 2025 based on millennial nostalgia trends." When asked about the actual return, Gerald muttered something about "market volatility" and excused himself to take an "urgent call."
Margaret's portfolio includes 3,000 units of "Peanut the Royal Blue Elephant" (current market value: $3 each), 8,000 "Garcia the Bear" (named after Jerry Garcia, worth slightly less than a Starbucks latte), and one extremely rare "Employee the Corporate Drone" Beanie Baby that doesn't actually exist but was apparently counted as an asset anyway.
Legal is involved. HR has scheduled a "Financial Wellness Workshop." Margaret has started an eBay store. "If anyone wants a slightly haunted-looking stuffed lobster," she posted on LinkedIn, "I have 2,400 of them and a shattered retirement dream."