Let me read this to you like a bedtime story of fiscal horror.
When our Regional Sales Director, who we'll call "Derek" because that's his actual name and he deserves to be publicly shamed, said he was "ordering a few things for the team," we assumed he meant pizza. Maybe some beers. Perhaps, at worst, a charcuterie board like a civilized degenerate.
We were not prepared for what arrived.
At 2:47 AM on a Tuesday—a TUESDAY, Derek—the Bellagio's room service department apparently received what can only be described as a ransom note disguised as a food order. Let's break it down:
THE APPETIZERS ($847)
• 12 orders of truffle fries @ $42 each
• 8 lobster cocktails "for the table" (there were 4 people in the room)
• Something called a "Caviar Flight" that Derek swears he "thought was a drink"
THE ENTREES ($2,340)
• 6 Wagyu ribeyes, because and I quote, "the first two were practice steaks"
• 4 whole lobsters, which Derek allegedly tried to name and race across the hotel room floor
• A "Chef's Tasting Menu for Two" ordered THREE times because, per the receipt notes, "we wanted to see if it would be different each time" (it was not)
THE BEVERAGES ($6,847)
This is where we need to have a serious conversation, Derek.
• 4 bottles of Dom Pérignon ($3,200)
• Something called a "Smoke Show" cocktail that apparently arrives inside a literal cloud ($340 for 4)
• 18 Red Bulls—Derek, you cannot mix Red Bull with Dom Pérignon, that's not a thing, that's a cry for help
• A bottle of Louis XIII cognac ($2,800) which our IT guy, Bradley, reportedly used "for the vibes" while losing $4,000 at online blackjack FROM THE HOTEL ROOM
THE DESSERTS ($1,890)
• 8 slices of their "24-Karat Gold Cake"—Derek, you cannot eat gold. You are not a pharaoh. You sell copier paper.
• A "Chocolate Experience" that required its own waiver to be signed
• 6 orders of ice cream that were, and I cannot stress this enough, ordered at 5:30 AM when everyone was allegedly "going to sleep soon"
THE MISCELLANEOUS ($2,363)
This is the section that broke me, personally.
• "Emergency pillow delivery" at 3 AM ($89)—WHY
• "Room fragrance refresh" because, per Derek's statement to HR, "it smelled like decisions in there"
• Four bathrobes listed as "accidental damage"—Derek maintains the lobster race "got out of hand"
• A $1,200 charge simply labeled "Piano"—we still don't have answers
THE AFTERMATH
Derek is no longer our Regional Sales Director. He's now our "Vice President of Revenue Optimization" because he somehow closed a $2.3 million deal during this exact evening with a client who was reportedly in the room "watching the lobster race."
We have updated our expense policy. The new limit is $75 per person per day. Derek's ghost-written response to this policy was: "That won't even cover the practice steaks."
He's right. And we hate him for it.