In a memo that absolutely no one asked for, Human Resources has announced that effective immediately, all workplace crying must be submitted via the employee portal at least 24 hours in advance. "Unscheduled emotional displays disrupt workflow and make the bean bag chairs in the Crying Room difficult to reserve," the memo stated.
The new system requires employees to select from a dropdown menu of approved crying reasons, including: "Performance Review Aftermath," "Reply-All Incident," "Vending Machine Ate My Dollar Again," "Realized It's Only Tuesday," and "Other (Please Specify in 500 Words or Less)." Requests are reviewed by a cross-functional committee and approved within 3-5 business days.
"We want to support our employees' mental health," said HR Director Patricia Wellness, "but we also need to maintain operational efficiency. The goal is to create a structured environment where people feel comfortable expressing emotions during their designated crying windows."
The policy also introduces a tiered system for emotional intensity. "Level 1" crying (light sniffles, watery eyes) can occur at desks with prior manager approval. "Level 2" crying (visible tears, quivering lip) requires relocation to the Crying Room. "Level 3" crying (sobbing, existential despair) must be conducted off-premises and will be deducted from PTO.
When asked about emergencies, spontaneous crying triggered by unexpected bad news, Patricia clarified: "We understand that life happens. In those cases, employees should immediately proceed to the Crying Room and submit a retroactive request within 48 hours. Failure to do so will result in a notation in your personnel file."
The Crying Room, formerly the supply closet, now features motivational posters, a tissue dispenser, and a 15-minute timer that plays gentle chimes when your allotted session ends. Overstaying is a terminable offense.