It was 3:17 AM on a Tuesday. My girlfriend was asleep. My dog was asleep. My landlord was presumably asleep, blissfully unaware that in approximately four hours I would not have his rent money.
The Samsung Lions were playing the Doosan Bears in the KBO, and I was watching a grainy stream with Korean commentary I didn't understand, refreshing my betting app like it owed me an explanation for my life choices.
How Did We Get Here?
Let me take you back. I'd had a rough week. The NFL had personally victimized me. The NBA refused to cover spreads. The NHL decided that every over I bet would go under, and every under would go over, as if the universe had a personal vendetta.
So I did what any rational person would do: I went looking for obscure sports in different time zones where surely the bookmakers had gotten something wrong.
The Parlay (3:14 AM):
- Samsung Lions ML (-125)
- Over 8.5 runs
- First inning over 0.5 runs
- Some player I'd never heard of to get 2+ hits
Risk: $1,450 (my rent)
To Win: $8,200
Odds of Winning: Approximately "no"
The First Inning Was Promising
First pitch: single. Second batter: walk. Third batter: double. Runs were scoring. I was a genius. I had found the edge that Vegas didn't want me to know about. The KBO was my personal ATM.
I texted my buddy Dave: "Bro Korean baseball is free money." He responded: "It's 3 AM please stop texting me." Some people just don't understand greatness.
Then the Fifth Inning Happened
My player - the one I needed to get two hits - struck out for the third time. The announcers said something in Korean that probably translated to "why would anyone bet on this guy?"
The Samsung Lions, my beautiful Lions, were up 6-2. The over had already hit. The first inning cashed. Three legs down, one to go. I just needed this man I'd never heard of to get one more hit.
"He's due. He's definitely due." - Me, not understanding how probability works
The Ninth Inning
Bottom of the ninth. He came up to bat with one hit. I needed two. The count went to 3-2. The stream froze. I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing.
When it unfroze, he was walking back to the dugout. Groundout to short. Parlay dead. Rent gone. It was 5:47 AM and the sun was coming up on my shame.
The Aftermath
My girlfriend woke up at 7 AM to find me still on the couch, staring at a Korean post-game show I couldn't understand. "Did you sleep?" she asked. "I discovered some things about myself," I replied.
The landlord got his rent three weeks late, courtesy of a payday loan with interest rates that would make a loan shark blush. The Samsung Lions finished third in their division. The player I bet on finished the season with a .256 average, which I now know because I followed his career for the next three months out of spite.
What I Learned
Nothing. I learned absolutely nothing. The following month I found myself watching Australian Rules Football at 4 AM, convinced that the Brisbane Lions (different Lions, same energy) were about to make me rich.
They did not.
The lesson here isn't "don't bet on Korean baseball at 3 AM." The lesson is that if you're going to do it, at least don't use your rent money. Use money you can afford to lose, like your savings for retirement. That's not for another 40 years anyway.
I'm kidding. Please don't do that. Please learn from my mistakes, even though I refuse to.
Go Lions.