We need to talk about Tyler. Tyler is our summer intern. Tyler makes $15/hour. Tyler also bought 50,000 units of something called "DogWifHat" in 2023 because, and I quote, "the meme was fire." Tyler is now worth $4.7 million.
Our CEO, a man with an MBA from Wharton and 30 years of corporate experience, makes $380,000 annually. He drives a 2019 Audi. Tyler just bought a Lamborghini Urus in cash. With his phone. During a meeting about Q3 logistics. "Sorry, one sec," he said, tapping his screen. "Just gotta move some assets." The CFO cried. Silently, but we all saw it.
The board has scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss "generational wealth transfer patterns" and "whether our current compensation structure reflects market realities." What they mean is: how do we keep Tyler from quitting to become a professional jet ski influencer? The answer is we can't. Tyler has already mentioned his plan to "chill in Bali for like a year" once his internship ends.
Yesterday, Tyler offered to buy lunch for the entire department. Not pizza. Sushi. The expensive kind. Flown in from Tokyo. "It's whatever," he shrugged, handing his black Amex to the confused receptionist. "Money's kind of fake anyway." He then returned to his desk to finish a PowerPoint about supply chain optimization. The cognitive dissonance is giving everyone migraines.
The CEO has started asking Tyler for "investment tips." Tyler recommended something called "PepeCoin." The CEO bought $50,000 worth. It dropped 80% overnight. Tyler's response: "Diamond hands, bro. Diamond hands." We are not going to financially recover from this.