It finally happened. LeBron James, four-time MVP, all-time scoring leader, and part-time tequila investor, has officially enrolled in the NBA’s brand-new Senior Discount Program. He becomes the first player in league history to request a halftime applesauce break and get approved.
At 40, LeBron is still putting up stats that make rookies cry into their Gatorade. But the knees are crunchier. The warmups take longer. The headband is now just to hold in the ibuprofen. Sources close to the team say he recently mistook Rui Hachimura for his physical therapist and asked him to stretch his hamstrings.
The Lakers training staff has started keeping a recliner by the bench. The team plays classical music during timeouts just to calm his joints. LeBron’s locker now includes a heating pad, knee braces, and a commemorative plaque that reads “You’ve Outlived Every Other Draft Pick From 2003.”
When asked if retirement is on the table, LeBron shook his head slowly and said he’ll keep going until he can pass the ball to Bronny, then Bronny’s son, then maybe someone named Bronathan. He also said he’ll consider retiring once they bring back the short shorts and the two-handed set shot.
Coaches say his leadership is invaluable. Players say he smells like cocoa butter and wisdom. Fans still scream his name, although now it’s usually followed by a question like “How is he still playing?” and “Did he just ask the ref where he parked?”
For now, LeBron remains eternal. He might need a nap between quarters. He might bring reading glasses to film study. But he still sees the court better than anyone and dunks like arthritis is just a rumor. Father Time is undefeated, but LeBron is definitely running out the shot clock.