Valentina Cruz
"Every meeting is a scene. Make it count."
Valentina spent three seasons on a Spanish-language soap opera playing a woman who faked her own death twice, married triplets (sequentially), and once pushed a rival into a decorative fountain on live television. Then she got bored of fiction and moved to corporate America, where the drama is somehow worse but the craft services are better.
Her presentations are legendary. Nobody has ever fallen asleep during one of her quarterly reviews because she delivers them like closing arguments in a murder trial. Last month she made a junior analyst cry, then promoted him, then made him cry again. He's never been more motivated.
She once ended a hostile negotiation by standing up, saying "You'll regret this," and walking out. The other company folded within the hour. She never explained what she meant. She still hasn't.
Actual Quote from Last Board Meeting
"You think the Q3 projections are bad? Wait until you see what I've prepared for Act Three. Bring tissues. Bring lawyers."
August Achievements
- Delivered quarterly report as a three-act play (standing ovation)
- Made four executives apologize for things they didn't do
- Resolved interdepartmental conflict through "aggressive eye contact"
- Turned an investor presentation into a telenovela cliffhanger (they invested more)
- Convinced HR that dramatic pauses are a "cultural accommodation"
- Set company record for most conference room exits followed by immediate re-entries