Petra Blackwood
"Class is in session. You're already failing."
Former substitute teacher who got "released" after the principal discovered her lesson plans included modules on "creative tax optimization" and "how to gaslight your way through performance reviews." Now she runs onboarding at BDI, and new hires have never been more terrified or better prepared for the real world.
Her office is decorated with confiscated items from previous jobs: a vape pen from a disgraced CFO, a stress ball shaped like a former CEO's head, and a framed resignation letter she "helped" someone write. The autumn aesthetic isn't accidental - she's described as having "harvest vibes" but in the way farmers harvest souls.
She grades emails. Not metaphorically - she literally sends them back with red pen corrections and a letter grade. The CEO got a C- last week. He hasn't recovered.
Currently in Corporate Detention
- Marcus from Marketing - "Reply All abuse, third offense"
- Jessica from Legal - "Excessive use of passive-aggressive CC"
- The Entire IT Department - "Responding to tickets with 'Have you tried restarting?'"
- Dave from Accounting - "Microwaving fish in the break room"
- The CEO - "Sending 47-word emails that should have been 5"
September Achievements
- Reduced new hire turnover by 80% (they're too scared to quit)
- Implemented mandatory "email grammar boot camp"
- Created 147-page employee handbook chapter on "Appropriate Use of Exclamation Points"
- Successfully taught the board of directors what a pivot table is
- Made the company lawyer proofread his own contracts (he found 12 errors)
- Established "detention hour" as official company policy