Happy New Year, you beautiful disasters. While everyone else is pretending they're going to wake up at 5 AM and meditate, let's talk about resolutions that actually account for who you are as a person.
I'm not here to fix you. That ship sailed, hit an iceberg, and is currently being explored by James Cameron. Instead, here are achievable goals for the year ahead.
1. Bet Smarter, Not Harder
Notice I didn't say "stop betting." That's unrealistic and frankly insulting. But maybe - just maybe - we stop putting our rent money on Tuesday night MACtion games. The goal isn't to quit. The goal is to still have a functioning bank account by March.
New rule: If you can't name at least three players on the team you're betting, maybe sit that one out. Wild concept, I know.
2. Upgrade Your Vices
You're going to drink anyway. Why are you drinking like a college freshman? This is the year we graduate from whatever gas station wine you've been surviving on. I'm not saying become a sommelier. I'm saying maybe don't buy alcohol that comes in a plastic bottle.
"If it has a screw cap and costs less than your lunch, it's not wine. It's a cry for help."
3. Exercise (Your Right to Leave Boring Situations)
Forget the gym membership you're going to abandon by February. The real workout is learning to exit conversations with people who peaked in high school and want to tell you about their crypto portfolio.
Practice saying: "That's fascinating. I have to go literally anywhere else." Feel the burn of social liberation.
4. Save Money (For Better Bad Decisions)
The problem isn't that you spend too much. It's that you spend it on the wrong things. Stop buying stuff you don't need. Save that money for Vegas trips and questionable international travel. That's called financial planning.
5. Read More (But Not Self-Help Books)
Self-help books are written by people who needed a book deal more than you need their advice. Read literally anything else. Fiction. History. The Wikipedia rabbit hole about obscure medieval torture devices that you fell into at 2 AM. All valid choices.
6. Be Honest About Who You Are
Stop pretending you're going to become a morning person. Stop acting like you'll suddenly enjoy networking events. Stop lying to yourself about enjoying kale.
You are who you are. The goal for 2026 isn't to become someone else. It's to become a slightly more functional version of the disaster you already are. That's growth, baby.
The Only Resolution That Matters
Make it to 2027 with stories worth telling. That's it. That's the whole resolution.
Everything else is just details.
Happy New Year, degenerates. Let's make some mistakes together.