July 3, 2025

NBA Refs Gone Wild: Tim Donaghy’s Dirty Whistle

Back in 2007, NBA referee Tim Donaghy got caught doing what most degenerates only dream about: fixing games from the inside. Not only was he reffing games, he was betting on them, tipping off his...

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June 30, 2025

The Cleveland Browns Are a Factory of Sadness, and Business Is Booming

You know you're a Cleveland Browns fan when your favorite part of the season is the draft — not because you trust the front office, but because it’s the last time you’ll feel hope before the annual...

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June 24, 2025

Tucker Leaves Sticky Legacy at Baltimore Massage Parlor

Justin Tucker is known for a lot of things. The golden leg. The operatic voice. The clean-cut image that could sell minivans to monks. But today, our guy allegedly added a chapter to the offseason...

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June 23, 2025

The Oakland A’s Are Less Useful Than a Waffle House Bathroom Key

If Major League Baseball was a high school, the Oakland A’s would be that weird kid in the corner who smells like glue and keeps trying to trade Pokémon cards for vape hits.

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June 15, 2025

Crypto Bros Ruined My Birthday Party

All I wanted was a nice dinner. Thirty candles on a cake. Maybe some presents. What I got was a four-hour lecture on blockchain technology from my cousin's new boyfriend, Chad. Yes, his name is Chad....

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Unknown Date

Conference Championship Sunday: Where Livers and Bankrolls Go to Die

It's Conference Championship Sunday, which means I'm about to spend eight hours staring at my television like it owes me child support. Patriots versus Broncos in the AFC. Rams versus Seahawks in the...

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Unknown Date

Chiefs and Eagles Are Home Watching Like the Rest of Us Peasants

I need to take a moment to acknowledge that the Kansas City Chiefs and Philadelphia Eagles, your reigning Super Bowl participants, are currently at home watching football on their couches like the...

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Unknown Date

Meta Just Laid Off 1,500 People So Zuckerberg Can Build a Better Robot to Fire Them

Mark Zuckerberg just axed 1,500 employees from Reality Labs because apparently the Metaverse needs fewer humans and more despair. The same company that spent $50 billion on virtual reality headsets...

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Unknown Date

The Stock Market Hit Another All-Time High and I Still Can't Afford Lunch

Breaking news from Wall Street: The S&P 500 just hit another record high. The Dow closed at 49,442 points. Nvidia is up 35% because apparently everyone needs AI chips to make their toaster think for...

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Unknown Date

The Dodgers Signed Kyle Tucker and Now I Have to Pretend Baseball Is Fair

Listen, I have tried very hard this offseason to maintain the illusion that Major League Baseball is a competitive sport where multiple teams have a reasonable chance of winning. I have looked at the...

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June 2025

Thunder Pacers Game 7: OKC About to Wear This on National Television

Let’s not sugarcoat this. Game 7 arrived and the Oklahoma City Thunder looked like they brought a chess set to a bar fight. Indiana didn’t play “pretty basketball,” they played parking-lot basketball...

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May 22, 2025

My Uber Driver Was Definitely a Character From a Movie

The app said his name was "Dmitri" and his car was a gray Camry. What arrived was a man who looked like he'd seen things. Things he couldn't talk about. Things that would change my understanding of...

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April 8, 2025

I Got Banned From a Buffet and I Don't Regret It

The sign said "All You Can Eat." It did not specify a limit. It did not say "reasonable amounts only." It did not say "please leave some crab legs for the other guests." These are critical oversights...

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June 23, 2023

Red Sox Trade Devers for a Bag of Chips

The Boston Red Sox just committed organizational seppuku. Rafael Devers, their franchise cornerstone, their poster boy, their last real shot at relevance, is now a San Francisco Giant. And in return?...

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